Adult Consequences of Childhood Parenting Styles
By Henry T. Stein, Ph.D.
Most of the content in these two charts
is based on the ideas developed by Hugh Misseldine in his book, Your
Inner Child of the Past. Material has been added to reflect
the Adlerian perspective of a democratic parenting style.
Adult Consequences of Childhood Parenting
Styles - Chart I
| PARENTAL STYLE |
ADULT ATTITUDE TOWARD LIFE |
ADULT ATTITUDE TOWARD OTHERS |
ADULT ATTITUDE TOWARD WORK |
ADULT ATTITUDE TOWARD SEX & MARRIAGE |
| Democratic |
Feels connected, part of life. Positive
attitude. Willing to improve life. |
Willing to help, share with, contribute
to, and cooperate with others. |
Work useful to others. Does his best to
offer value. Can lead or cooperate on a team. |
Sex as expression of mature love, caring,
and giving. Feels equal to partner. |
| Over-Indulgent |
Self-indulgent, bored, apathetic,
restless, no initiative. |
Passive expectation of getting from
others. Expects them to anticipate his wishes. |
Hates to work. Can't find a job. No
career decisions, no preparation, or persistence. |
Attaches to partners who indulge him. May
use attractiveness or pretend weakness. |
| Over-Submissive |
Very impulsive, hard to set limits,
extravagant, has tantrums. |
Used to getting own way, thoughtless of
others' rights. |
Impulsive, distractible, impatient,
tyrannical. Expects admiration for modest effort. |
Wants to be waited on, chooses a servant.
Selfish, inconsiderate. Feels hurt if not catered to. |
| Over-Coercive |
Divides life into "top dog" --
"bottom dog" categories. |
Imitation: becomes bossy. Compliance:
a follower. Internalization: compulsive. Rebellion:
refusal to comply. Resistance: procrastinator. |
May be resistant to schedules and
expectations, or may push self and others unmercifully. |
Sex and marriage may be seen as duties
and be carried out resentfully without satisfaction. |
| Perfectionistic |
Life is a tedious chore, without color or
sparkle. No pleasure in effort or result. Frequently
depressed. |
Unable to accept compliments. Feels
superior to others who have lower standards. Can be
critical and impossible to please. |
May drive self to exhaustion. Must outdo
himself, again and again. Overly concerned with detail.
Never satisfied with work of self or others. |
Usually unaffectionate, and unexpressive.
Relationship may be too time-consuming. May search for
"perfect" mate. Makes rules for performance. |
| Excessively Responsible
|
Super-responsible. Hard time letting-go
and playing. Anxiety about relaxation. No mental
refreshment. |
Takes on excessive obligations, often
depriving others of their share of responsibility or
opportunity. |
Always feels hard-pressed and driven.
Fears everything would "go to hell" if he lets
down. Can get stale with all work no play. |
Never gets around to carefree times.
Inability to relax and play with spouse or children. |
Adult Consequences of Childhood Parenting
Styles - Chart II
| PARENTAL STYLE |
ADULT ATTITUDE TOWARD LIFE |
ADULT ATTITUDE TOWARD OTHERS |
ADULT ATTITUDE TOWARD WORK |
ADULT ATTITUDE TOWARD SEX & MARRIAGE |
| Neglecting |
Tends to be impulsive, filling life with
compensation for a feeling of emptiness. Lonely. |
Does not make close and meaningful
contact. Superficial, exploitative relationships. Hides
behind aloofness. |
May strive compulsively after wealth,
success, or fame to relieve feeling of emptiness. Stage
performing may offer fantasy identities. |
May yearn for partner to play a parent
role, offering unlimited attention, acceptance, or
affection. May be promiscuous, getting what he can from
many. |
| Rejecting |
Bitter, hostile, suspicious, and distant.
May suffer from intense fears or anxiety. Feels
worthless. May resort to substance abuse to relieve pain. |
May see self as an outlaw, unacceptable
to self and others. Very sensitive to rebuff. Suspicious,
tests others with hostility and aggression. |
Prefers working alone. May feel more
comfortable with animals. |
Starved for love, but expects rejection
and provokes it. Has urge to hurt and reject others.
Often attracted to unkind partners. |
| Punitive |
Keenly feels injustice and longs for
retaliation. Views world with envy and jealousy. Harbors
a burning inner hatred. May feel "bad" and seek
punishment. |
May punish others who are smaller and
weaker. May continue to act out whatever parents forbade.
Can be excessively critical and self-righteous. |
Can be attracted to harsh, aggressive
occupations: police, army, boxing, football. May become
ruthless businessman who "crushes competition."
May punish self with excessive work. |
May physically abuse partner. May engage
in extravagant spending, drinking, speeding, fighting,
and infidelity to punish partner. Often insanely jealous. |
| Hypo-chondrical |
Constantly doctors self, doesn't feel
well, and cannot participate in activities. Preoccupied
with aches, pains, and disease. |
Social life is restricted to those people
who offer sympathy, service and indulgence. Likes others
to call or visit and listen to his misery. |
Frequently absent from work. Does barely
enough to hold job. Work is felt as a burden to be
endured, hardships are exaggerated. |
Often prevents marriage. Mate is seen as
a sympathetic doctor or nurse. Sex is often painful or
curtailed. Unable to do housework, cooking, and shopping. |
| Sexually Stimulating
|
Tendency to over-sexualize many aspects
of life or reject it entirely. |
Preoccupied with sexual attraction and
experience. May devalue friendship and non-sexual
feelings for other sex. |
Sexual attractiveness may be used for
profit or influence. |
Preoccupation with physical aspect of
sex. Emotional intimacy and love is avoided. Partner is
used to trigger fantasy. May act out rage against
partner. |
Initially, it would be helpful to read Impact of Parenting Styles on
Children to gain a perspective on the early childhood influences.
Recognizing and changing a dysfunctional parenting style to a
more democratic one, or dealing with the adult consequences of that style, often requires the support and insight of an experienced Adlerian psychotherapist.
For additional information about democratic parenting, read Adlerian Child Guidance Principles.
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