|
Alfred Adler's original ideas about children's goal-directed behavior were subsequently popularized by Erwin Wexberg, Rudolf Dreikurs, and Vicki Soltz. Simplifications of Adler's ideas are now commonly included in most Adlerian parent education publications and programs. Although many parents have benefited from reading child guidance books, it is easy to gain an erroneous impression of a "quick and easy" technology that can be applied systematically. Guiding a misbehaving child away from a mistaken direction, not only requires insight, patience, and skillful encouragement, it may also require some parents to change their fundamental views of life, atttudes toward other people, and their feelings about themselves and their children. These charts, reflecting an extension of Adler's concepts, were devised to be used by counselors and psychotherapists in the context of an Adlerian family therapy process.
Children who have goals of cooperation, contribution, and belonging will, with proper guidance, discover behavior that is appropriate to the needs of others in a situation. Such children will take initiative, complete tasks, do their part, share, and help others. Their spontaneous cooperation, considerateness, and generosity generally elicit feelings of appreciation from adults. Misbehaving children, who may be discouraged or spoiled, act egocentrically until enlightened adults win their cooperation with love and logic.
Dealing Effectively With Children's Mistaken Goals - Chart I
| CHILD'S GOAL AND PRIVATE LOGIC |
CHILD'S BEHAVIOR CLUES |
ADULT'S FEELINGS AND REACTIONS |
CHILD'S RESPONSE TO ADULT'S REACTION |
DEMOCRATIC ADULT ACTION STRATEGY |
UNDUE ATTENTION
"I will not
be overlooked. I demand special attention. You must stay
busy with me."
|
Interrupts, excessive pleasing, noisy,
restless, shows off, clowning, cute, "hyperactive",
constant questioning, bad habits, pretended homework
difficulties, minor mischief. |
You feel annoyed, and think of the
child as a nuisance who constantly interrupts your
activities or takes up too much of your time
unjustifiably. You may give in for a while, but gradually
become impatient and scold the child. |
If you make requests or demands, child usually stops--but only for a short
time, then repeats behavior. |
Ignore attention-getting activity.Give
no reinforcement for negative behavior.
Provide child with opportunities for positive
attention. Only action helps, not words. Child needs to
learn to feel good from accomplishment and contribution.
|
UNDUE SYMPATHY AND SERVICE
"You
must feel sorry for my distress and grant me special
service."
|
Child frequently tearful and anxious, can
whine and accuse others of picking on them. Child's
expectations or demands during an illness seem excessive. |
You may initially feel sympathetic and
have the impulse to rescue, but eventually you
begin to feel burdened and irritated. |
If you refuse to sympathize or serve, or criticize, the tears and whining usually
increase in intensity |
Offer inital empathy ("I'm sorry you
feel bad") but gradually shift to questioning the
child about what can be done to help deal with the distress
or prevent it. |
POWER
"You are not the boss
over me. I will defeat you and do as I please."
|
Aggressive, rebellious, insolent, refuses
to do chores, lies, disobeys, uses temper, tries to give
orders, pouts, cries when the child can't have his/her way (water
power). |
You feel angry, defeated, and
frustrated. You may feel that your authority is being
challenged or threatened, and try to enforce it
progressively. |
If you attempt to assert your authority, misbehavior continues -- may even become
worse.
|
Withdraw from power struggle. Set firm
limits and take action without getting angry. You can
choose your own course of action, and so can the child!
|
Dealing Effectively With Children's Mistaken Goals - Chart II
| CHILD'S GOAL & PRIVATE LOGIC |
CHILD'S BEHAVIOR CLUES |
ADULT'S FEELINGS AND REACTIONS |
CHILD'S RESPONSE TO ADULT'S REACTION |
DEMOCRATIC ADULT ACTION STRATEGY |
REVENGE
"You hurt me and
don't care about me. I will hurt you back where you are
vulnerable."
|
Violent, sullen. Verbal or physical
hurting of adults, peers, animals, or self.
|
You feel hurt.May regard child
as mean, nasty, or evil, and want to hurt the child back.
|
If you lash out at child, he/she switches to an even more violent
attack -- seeks to retaliate.
This cycle may escalate dangerously if child and
adult are stubborn.
|
Do not take attack personally or feel
hurt. Try to be friendly and empathic. Find out what is
bothering the child. Let the child express upset with words.
Make child feel safe. Offer safe vehicle for acting
out aggression. Seek professional help.
|
SOCIAL WITHDRAWAL
"I can't win. I
want to be left alone. Don't bother me."
|
Does nothing or very little. If
attempts something, gives up easily. Isolates self from
others.
Not a disruptive behavior problem.
|
You feel helpless, like giving up. "What
can I do with him/her?"
May think of child as a dreamer or stupid.
|
No response. |
Do not give up.Maintain faith in
child.
Try to arrange small successes that will encourage
him/her.
Seek professional help if no improvement.
|
ESCAPE FROM REALITY
"I must
retreat into fantasy and away from an unacceptable
reality."
|
Unresponsive, deeply depressed, sleeps
most of the time, bizarre actions, irrational fears,
hurts self, refusal to eat, alcohol/drug abuse. |
You are frightened or in despair. Contact
with child is almost absent.
|
No response, or irrational responses. |
Seek professional help immediately. |
For additional information about democratic parenting, read:
* Adlerian Child Guidance Principles.
* Impact of Parenting Styles on Children
* Adult Consequences of Childhood
Parenting Styles
 Back to More Principles
Back to Home Page:
|
